I feel it is my duty this week to inform you about a little known fact regarding starting your day off right. I should warn you that we have been misled for centuries in regards to this question.
As most lies and unhealthy cultural influences regarding sexual health in America can be traced back to the ignorance of the Puritans, I feel compelled to blame them for the misleading.
In trying to figure out how best to start their miserable and sexually oppressed lives every morning, they found that it was best to start it on the right foot.
Starting your day off on the right foot might seem best, but actually there are greater health benefits to starting the day off on a different body part; your back.
Before we delve in deeper I want to assure you that the rest of this article, unlike this current paragraph, is factual and based on reliable sources like the Centers for Disease Control, Men’s Health and possibly Cosmo.
It is not unusual for people to spend between 30 minutes to an hour getting ready in the morning, especially for those who apply makeup and style their hair. But why waste all that time on something that can be done in just 15 minutes? Morning sex is the answer.
You may be saying to your self, “Certainly sex is all well and good Dr. Donnolly, but the morning is not the time for it.”
I understand your hesitance, but I have faith that, as well-educated college students, you can find a way of getting around the problem of your partners morning breath.
I have heard that positioning yourself behind it might be the best solution for keeping a safe distance from it. The fact is that sex causes vasodilation and releases hormones that give us that perfect glow we are all after. It will flush your cheeks, brighten up your eyes, give your lips that perfect color and your hair that conditioned shine.
It has also been shown to slow the signs of aging, including reducing wrinkles and revitalizing your skin.
According to sexpert Mary Jo Rapini, M.Ed, L.P.C., “You end up being functionally younger … it’s a consistent effect. If a woman has an average sex life, her real age can be two to eight years younger than the number on her driver’s license. It also lowers your risk of heart disease, cancer, depression, suicide and mood changes.”
You will be able to sleep in longer, save money on cosmetics and stay physically and mentally healthy.
So in the name of health, science and finance, grab your partner first thing in the morning and help them look and feel his or her best all day. It might just be that early morning orgasm that gives them the edge they need in a job interview or exam.
Ethan Donnolly can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.