Onions’n’Things

I think as a general rule, a good cook should never be limited by a lack of funds. Creativity adds to the fun and so I naturally keep attempting to make up new and exciting dishes, hoping they’ll turn into something delicious that I can produce on a large budget. Having largely failed, I’ve recently discovered the one ingredient that makes me feel awesome repeatedly: onions.

Cheap, simple, and very enjoyable. Apparently describing onions is the opposite of describing prom.

You can pretty much add onions to anything. Fry em up or throw em in with whatever meat you have. All they do is add taste, which is never a bad a thing (note: apologies to any good cooks. I can only go up). I’ve probably put onions in about 20 dishes in the last 3 weeks; I’d recommend against adding them to beverages.

Of course, onions come with a terrible, terrible downside. When you cut them up you begin to develop large amounts of water in your eyes. Some call it crying, but that seems to be too mild a word. Balling seems much more appropriate. And with the tears comes every annoying joke from every stupid friend you have who thinks they’re clever and original. Apparently I have a lot of stupid friends.

Goodness it’s amazing. Every joke about you being an emotional train wreck is repeated over and over, all while you prepare dinner for a group of said idiots. It’s worse than bad puns. How can a vegetable so amazing cause so much annoyance at the same time? It’s not even fair. Forced crying should occur while cutting a crappy food nobody enjoys, like asparagus or okra. I suppose I could get less annoying friends too. At this point eating onions is prioritized above my friends anyway.

Seriously, put onions in everything. You can’t lose!*

*I lied. Onions and Butterscotch do NOT mix.

Matt Olson
Matt Olson can be reached at linfieldreviewopinion@gmail.com.

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