Dealing with roommates

He says

Roommate-girlfriend conflicts are inevitable.

There comes a time in every relationship when you have to introduce your girlfriend to your roommates. Chances are they probably won’t get along. Keep in mind she barely tolerates you, with all your burping, shouting, cage fighting and pyramid schemes.

She only puts up with you because you have trained her to think she needs you. You can only imagine what she will think of your roommates’ drunken Jenga tournaments, in-home Toughman competitions and the room in the back made entirely of mattresses.

You can avoid the problem by never bringing your girlfriend home, but that means you’ll have to spend more time at her place, which is also awkward, as you probably have slept with or will sleep with all of her roommates.

There is no easy solution. You can spend months training your girlfriend to be tolerant of moronic male behavior, but that still may not prepare her for the nearly demonic aberrant behavior of your roommates.

Like I said, they probably won’t get along. But because they won’t want to see each other, you probably will never have to be with them at the same time. That allows you to be entirely two-faced.

When you are with her, pretend you hate your roommates. You probably do this anyway. When you are with your roommates, tell them the only reason you keep her around is that she is hot. This is easy because it is rarely a lie.

Of course, if your roommate is a guy, you probably will have more trouble being there without him being around while organizing his Magic cards or playing Guild Wars all night.

This can be a difficult situation, but I have a few solutions you can try out.

First and foremost, establish boundaries. Agree on a line of demarcation in the room for when your girlfriend comes over. Build a floor-to-ceiling brick wall on that line.

Convince her to take a restraining order out on him. Claim he made some inappropriate comments, and then get the school (or the court) to say he is not allowed within thirty feet of her. That way, whenever she comes over, he has to leave.

The last, and probably easiest, although most illegal solution, is to get your hands on what are commonly known as “roofies.” When you know your girlfriend is coming over, slip some into your roommate’s drink. He’ll never know she was there.

Look, if it gets bad, you know you only have one choice. Get him kicked out of school. Replace his papers with published essays, plant drugs on him, do whatever you have to do to have some alone time with your girl. She’ll think it’s so romantic.

She says

If your significant other dislikes your roommate, find some middle ground.

This week I found myself somewhat drowned in the insanity and minutiae of summer living. My time was consumed with temp agencies and arrangements for cheap apartments. So I foisted my column on my aforementioned Grouchy Roommate, who was only too happy to spend 2,500 letters griping about humanity, God bless her. Enjoy it.

Grouchy Roommate:

It’s a pretty common situation: Your guy just doesn’t seem to enjoy sitting around while you and your friends giggle over the latest episode of “America’s Next Top Model.” You find yourself having to drag him out for parties, even though he’s done his best to barricade his door and chain himself firmly to his desk to avoid having to spend time with Tina and Staci.

“I don’t like your friends” is one of the most panic-inducing, nerve-wracking, ulcer-opening declarations one can hear in a relationship, along with “I think we should see other people” and “I have a weird rash.”

Things get even stickier when you are living with Tina and Staci. The relationship becomes strangely one-sided if your guy refuses to come to your place at all. You find yourself spending more and more time at his place, which inevitably smells like Guy (and not the good Guy smell—more like the basement-of-the-frat-house Guy smell).

You will begin to wonder how fair this really is, especially when your guy’s roommate turns out to be the kid who plays World of Warcraft instead of sleeping.

Clearly you deserve a better-than-awkward rendezvous in a bizarrely scented room with a roommate who doesn’t talk; and clearly, your sweetheart doesn’t deserve to be subjected to Tina and Staci’s comparisons of “Cosmo” magazine’s horoscopes. (By the way Capricorns, apparently you should be on the lookout for a “brainy jock.” Have fun with that.)

The best solution is the one discovered by your parents and grandparents: private transportation. Take the car, find a romantic viewpoint (or at least an empty parking lot), and get it on right there.

No obnoxious roommates, no funky smells and no hammering on the bottom bunk by that roommate on his computer who’s fed up with pretending to ignore you. Private car time is cliché because it works, for the desperate anyway.

If you’re not quite brave enough to risk interruption by the Mac P.D. (or worse, that Amity cop), maybe you should try having a chat with your honey and your roommates to smooth things out.

You want your boyfriend to like your roommates? They’ll probably be nicer to him (and you) if you don’t publicly and shamelessly snog him. Just because they’re your friends, it doesn’t mean they’re willing to turn a blind eye to your PDA. What’s acceptable on the Parisian metro is not appreciated in your living room, nor your abominably cramped dorm double.

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