Dealing with drunkenness: He says, She says

He says

Alcohol brings out the worst in a relationship.

We lead a charmed life in college, Linfield males, one of nearly boundless glory. The fields of women available to us are endless. Truly, it is a life of euphoria and ecstasy.

Unfortunately, along with euphoria and ecstasy comes depression and sloth. Highs and lows define us, Linfield male, and all we can do is try our best to control them. Naturally, we deal with highs and lows through the aptly named “controlled substances.”

You know He Says would never advocate abusing such controlled substances. Yet, I know it is a common solution for many college students, men and women alike. While I have never observed a problem in my own behavior, (it’s hard to observe your behavior when you can’t remember it), I know what it is like to date a girl who is, as we say around campus, on alcohol.

A girlfriend on alcohol is a terrible thing. Even just a few drinks can make her start saying things she doesn’t mean.

Sometimes, all it takes is one typical He Says Party Vesper (two bottles vodka, two bottles gin, and a 375 of blond Lillet, shaken in a minifridge full of ice) for a girl to reach the warped state of mind that leads her to break up with you over something as little as cleaning out her dad’s liquor cabinet.

The problem is that being on alcohol is like losing complete control of your mind, which means your girlfriend on alcohol is like you and losing complete control of her mind, which should NEVER happen.

As every Linfield male probably knows, alcohol is a double-edged sword in the sex department. On one hand, it is the ultimate tool of seduction. It makes girls do terribly stupid and dangerous things like sleep with you without even checking into your criminal background.

On the other hand, it makes your girlfriend cheat on you with guys who might be wanted criminals, which is not so great if you like your girlfriend.

You have some options.

The best and easiest thing is to make her friends take care of it. Of course, if she had friends that were looking out for her like that, she wouldn’t be dating you, would she? So I’ll just assume this is not an option.

There is always rehab. Rehab is the most hands-off way to solve this
problem. However, keep in mind that you will likely lose all control over her while she is gone. And when she gets back, she might forbid you from seeing her, calling you an “enabler,” a “monster” or a “potential sex offender.”

If it gets out of hand, take her ID when she’s not paying attention and change it to say she was born in 1992. If she’s only 16, she can’t buy alcohol, right? Of course, you’ll have to keep some proof of her actual age, or you’ll look…well, not good.

She says

Stick with your significant other in good times and bad.

Honestly, the “drunk boyfriend/girlfriend” question is a pretty good one. When your significant other has too much at a party they can become belligerent, promiscuous, noisy and can embarrass you, or worse, himself. As a good girlfriend, it’s tough to watch your sweetheart do that to himself, but telling him he’s drunk and needs to stop can sometimes be difficult.

If you’re lucky, your darling knows his limits. When he start staggering and you say, “All right, time to leave the keg alone and go home!” he’ll agree with your superior sober judgment and come along like a dog on a leash. You may be unfortunate enough, however, to find yourself dating a mean drunk who doesn’t know when to quit.

When you tell him he’s done, he doesn’t believe you; when you take the bottle, he gets angry; and when you start to pull him to the door, he screams at you like some sort of horrifying hell-bat you’d swear you’d never met before. So what do you do when he won’t come home with you?

Ha.

Nothing.

This is the beautiful and difficult part of a drunken fight. When your significant other has had too much and is getting nasty, there is really nothing you can do about the situation at the moment. He’s not going to be reasonable, no matter how logical and well-presented your argument is. All he’s going to hear is, “I would like to control your life and your decisions. I don’t approve of anything you do. Your friends offend me. I hate your mother, and I think you’re fat.”

The best thing to do when your sweetheart refuses your suggestion to go home is to go home without him. You don’t need to subject yourself to his bad decisions.

Wait until the next day and then calmly explain your grievances. Don’t get pissy about it. Make sure he knows his decisions are his own, but if he’s going to make an asshole of himself every time he has a few, maybe he needs to re-evaluate his social habits.

Of course this is all assuming that he’s still conscious. If he’s puking in somebody’s bathroom, I think you can forgo the righteous indignation. After all, drunk or not, he’ll still be your significant other in the morning.

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